why am i even fucking alive?

 i start outpatient today at HSC. 
i have horrible withdrawal headaches from the effexor. stupid doctor doesn't know what he's doing. 

i wasn't hungry at lunch - but still couldn't stop thinking about the poutine craving i've had for DAYS now.  so i just gave in and ate some. (okay - it was pretty flipping huge)
But i hope it's the welbutrin that is making me not hungry. it would be sweet if i could stop this b/ping 2-3X per day. i've been doing it everyday for weeks now.
have not excercised in weeks, since boot camp was finished. knee still kills when i try to run. 
that fucking sucks.
have been gaining weight, this morning was 96. fucking disgusting. 

purging those fries was sick though. they came up sometimes almost as if i didn't even chew them. had to stop part-way through, was feeling light headed. will try again in a little bit.
still paranoid about seizures, fucking doctor. seizures are 9X more likely for ppl with eating disorders who take welbutrin. and he knows, and still gave it to me.
and i take it because i hope that the weightloss side effect applies to me. 
but i think it's making me feel worse. have not felt this depressed before. numb. no feelings whatsoever, except huge anger. 

derek almost broke up with me last night. and i didn't care. almost wanted him to leave so i could go to sleep. did not feel sad. did not feel scared. 
just felt pissed at him for saying to call him once i got these meds figured out. for wanting to leave when things suck and just come back when i'm less of a bitch,
and i am the hugest bitch. i snap at everyone. i feel like kicking random strangers on the bus for no reason. i hate everyone who looks at me, talks to me, anything. 
i feel apathetic as to whether i get better, whether i live or die.
but would not be bothered to try anything. 
want to sleep all day. 
eat. puke. sleep. repeat. 
felt guilty when he made me feel better, made me smile or laugh. felt stupid for smiling at all.

Depression is an addiction. You cling to it, because you forget how to feel anything else. and you think it is the only thing that makes you who you are, but depression does not make you interesting if there is nothing behind it. 
i feel this way for no reason. i am massively angry for no reason.
therefor, i am not interesting. i am not special, and i am not unique. 
this i know. 
and i cling to my ED for the same reason. and it makes me feel special and unique and interesting, even though i know that im not. 

one day it may come down to 
Live Fat or Die Thin.
i want neither.

 Im dining on breakfast of kraft caramels and hershey's kisses (wtf?!?) i did this beacuse i could not decide whether to take my pill concoction this morning. i haven't take them all week, and i guess the last half of last week, too. 
no withdrawal symptoms, so i guess derek can rest easy that i'm not 'addicted'
oh wait, except for the multiple purges everyday. fuck. 

i cannot stand the fact that i ate three times yesterday (as in, normal), plus consumed mass quantities of caramels and chocolate. and my purging sucks lately. im lazy, im waiting too long, and things are all acidy so i give up. 
me and kim went out for lunch yesterday (quesadilla and salad). put off purging until way to late, got up a bit of acidy lettuce, said fuck it. 
dinner - a thousand bowls of honet nut cheerios (okay, more like 5, until the milk ran out). that purge sucked, dad interuppted me, plus i drank a litre of water on the way home to 'flush out lunch' (i have weird ideas) and so the purge was all watery and felt quite inconseqential. 
and of course, we all know purging makes one ravenous (hence the cycle), so at the cd release party (which by the way was fucking AMAZING, they played so well, the sound was awesome, the lights were cool. there were like four photographers all in thier face, i got to hang backstage, they sold lots of merch, it was just so awesome all around) we went to extreme pita and i got a pita and chips and then there were MORE chips on the table which i devoured. 
So really, only three meals, but fuck. im not supposed to eat that much. i hate how eating lunch makes me even MORE hungry for supper. 
i think i need to start the pills again, but fuck, its friday, its the weekend, we all know the weekends are my downfall. 
i haven't excersiced all week, so basically im turning all the work i did in boot camp into nothing. 
im turning into a fat lazy blob who eats too much and doesn't puke.

i hope when i start the wellbutrin it kills my appetite. 
i wonder if you can purge caramels. probably not. 

but i got a new job. in two weeks, no more Len. that's gotta be good, right?

i love boot camp. but i feel like it's not enough. hopefully i stick to it and keep on running 2-3 times a week in the evenings as well. last nite, i ran three miles in 30 min that's my fastest time yet, yay!! 
i went to josh groban last nite, hes fucking amazing - so passionate and such an amazing beautiful, powerful voice. hes an inspiration. he made me feel the need to do something big with my life - a feeling i haven't felt in a while. well, i've felt the need, but lately have been lacking the inspiration. 
i wen't with derek's family to his dad's hunting cabin over the weekend. lots of the time we spent working - i was hauling lumber for a while - but it's good, i wasn't getting any other excersice, plus i was stuffing my face, what with dereks mom shoving food at me the whole weekend
"are you hungry?"
"do you want anything?"
"we have danishes"
"Ashleyy, eat a turnover!". 
how do you resist that shit? his house is always stuffed full of muffins and pastries and cake and shit. basically my weaknesses. 
whatever, as always, its a new week. a week in which i lose the weight i gained on the weekend (this weekend was five pounds. i almost fainted when i stepped on the scale, seriously). then hopefully lose a little more, so that by the time the next weekend comes, i'm at least a pound or two lighter so that i'm ahead of the game. you know? 
Jason, the boot camp guy, is like - don't step on the scale. you might find you've put on weight as your muscles are adjusting and holding on to a;dkslhf;aksjdhf (some weird thing i can't remember the name of). im like, psh....easy for you to say. 
not so easy when you're accustomed to weighing yourself 6+ times a day. seriously. who doesn't weight themselves everyday. i know it is frusterating. but i have to know. i mean, i'm okay with gaining muscle weight, but that weight better be replacing fat weight. there is no fucking way im going to sit over 95 pounds, muscle or not. 

THere was this girl on the bus today - i literally could not stop staring at her. her arm squished to her side was smaller than my arm when i put it on my hip. she was TINY - she was short and couldn't have weighed over 80 lbs. she was perfect. she barley took up 1/3 of the seat. i felt like a messy, unkempt cow next to her. i wan't to just go up to her and begg her - PLEASE TELL ME HOW YOU DI IT. but i already know how you do it - you excercise and you don't eat. im no good at it. i always snap and eat like a cow. i can't imagine that girl eating 8 bowls of cereal. or three turnovers. or double yolk scrambled eggs fried in butter. or a whole bag of chips (almost all things i did this weekend). 
oh well. i just have to try harder. be stronger. (puke better. run more.)
i can do it. litterally, i do not care. i will be 80 pounds if i die trying. i never though i would be that serious about it, but i am. why it is so goddamned important, i don't know. i know why i do these things, but i don't know why suddenly 80 pounds is be all end all. but i feel panicky and i need it. that is all i know.

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

You Should Weigh 145

If you weigh less than this, you either have a fast metabolism or are about to gain weight. If you weigh more than this, you may be losing a few pounds soon!

WTF???

yeah right. if i weighed that i would kill myself...

yay its my b-day this weekend!!!

my mom talked to me last nite. i think i'm gonna call the doctor to increase my medication...it was about this time last year that my depression was really bad. and i don't want things to go downhill and have that affect things with derek, were still so new together. (even through i feel like i've known him forever, and can't imagine my life without him). i know how my depression can effect a relationship, it's happened before.

but i'm still going back and forth with this one stupid issue. maybe the depression that's been kicking in is really the cause of it all. small and fragile on the outside, like out i feel on the inside.

i don't know. but i can't stop triggering myself. i'll be feeling okay, but everday i still look at things i know are just going to push me over the edge. make my mind tick....

everything else is going so well....and i know myself. when there is no drama, i create some. its like i don't know who i am without it.

im messed up

Current Mood: lethargic

i've figured it out.
i think i know what triggered all this. i want to be independant. i want to get out on my own, start my life as an adult. and slowly, i'm getting there. i have a steady, good, full time job. i'm have an awesome relationship with someone that i want to marry someday. i have an appintment with the bank to possibly get a loan to buy a house. it's happening.
but i want someone to take care of me.
i want to be completely independant, but i'm still hanging on somewhat to the little girl inside of me that just wants to be held and taken care of.

the smaller you are, the more people have an urge to do just that. the more frail and tiny you appear, the more people feel the need to protect you.

i know this. and i'm more determined than ever.

ps - t minus nine hours to the best weekend ever.

Current Mood: hopeful

i have a secret.
somedays i don't care about it as much. somedays i know i care about it way too much.
and if i tell anyone, it's over. somedays i want to tell so that people can tell me i'm being stupid, and so that its over with.
some days i want to hold on to it forever.
but its wrong. i know it is. but sometimes it feels so...right. and its an accomplishment everyday i stick to it.
but sometimes when i let it go, i'm so much happier. but then the guilt sets in.
and why am i writing this? am i aking for people to find out? and no one will even know what i'm talking about. and no one reads this anyway.
so why don't i just say it.
...
i can't

Current Mood: confused